November is about to end and the cold winds have started finding their way to me. Till a few days back, I had a hard time believing if the winter would even show up itself this time to me. But here it is, nearing me, with its edge to slash and tear apart the comfort of warmth. It is inching closer toward me to freeze a thought, numb a few, and break the ice of the rest of them.
For most of the people around me, Winter is special. And why shouldn’t it be? After all, you get to munch those hot fritters, gorge on some sumptuous samosas, sip your favorite tea or coffee, sit inside a cozy blanket or bask under the sun. It feels that winter is the season to treat yourself to some wonderful luxury – the luxury of sitting intact in our comfort zone. We tend to be reluctant to be mobile and all that preoccupies our mind are the thoughts of staying in the warm place for the maximum time possible.
Perhaps, the winter has gotten into us. If not you, I could certainly vouch for the fact that the winter has gotten into me. It has completely won and if not actively, but passively rendered me drowsy. I experience that unwillingness to come out of my seclusion – the one I harbor within me. I am hesitant to come out in the open to face and challenge things because probably, the truth is way too cold and I fear it might slap me hard. The mark of that slap might penetrate deep within leaving a gash on the skin but an incurable injury on my insides. That’s how scared I feel to welcome the chill breeze because I have burnt too much in the heat of pain that now, a mere thought of coldness unnerves me. I panic, I withdraw, I run because escape seems to be an easy and accessible window.
Now when people with all the love of the universe in their hearts come to me, I start doubting. No speck of a doubt on them but a doubt on me. I feel worthless or maybe a little less deserving of the affection that is being showered on me. It scares me to acknowledge the beauty in the efforts of others, it frightens me to admit them in my life because of the past haunts. It chases me and hunts me down whenever I choose to let go of it. Whenever I try to take a small step toward the light, it would quickly come and grab me by my arm. It throws me again in the dark pit of the dust and I am left alone to fight it. Again and alone.
The past is frozen and in all the light of the truth, is indelible. But the winter of that past frozen in us affects everything that comes after. The winter settles on our bones unflinchingly. It does not want to go away and we let it condense us. We shrivel and let it consume us, bit by bit, and one fine day, devour us all at once. The insanity of the winter causes withering of our soul and before we realize that it is too late to turn back, The damage has been made and it is, beyond repair!